Sporadica: One Year (think Bare Naked Ladies)

Written by on August 20, 2019

It’s been one year since the surgery
Cut a hole in my chest
And stuck in a battery
Live wires threaded into me
Ran through my veins not through my arteries
Three leads compensate for my heart
If it ever fails, I’ve got a jump start
Face to face with mortality
Now when I travel they have to wand me

Ask myself how did I get here?
Man, this is so weird
Why did I have to have this done?
Poor ejection, lowly fraction
No response to medication
Zero energy
Because of piss-poor circulation

Left bundle branch blocking signals
To the ventricles
Makes ‘em beat out of rhythm
One side is getting larger
I need a charger
To get them beating at the same time

The best device devised by science
Stops the heart from beating twice
A therapy called cardiac resynchronization
Avoids the a-fib
The fatal a-fib
Trying hard not to sound glib
But you can have my heart attack
I think I’ll live without one

Doctors tell you without treatment that you’ll be dead
Oversell the point until you see red.
I’m too young to have to plan for a funeral
Without help they say
That I soon could
So many times they tried pointing that out to me
I’m pretty sure I quit listening at seven

It’s been one year since the surgery
Cut a hole in my chest
And stuck in a battery
Hours spent in cardiology
Most of that drugged up and sleeping
Three leads rejuvenate my heart
If it ever fails, I’ve got a jump start
Bafungool to mortality
Now when I travel they have to wand me

Tickity tick-tock, the tickers ticking,
Taps out a beat, I’m still alive and kicking
Bid adieu to shoddy pumping
My heart’s thumping
Could use a little grind and bumping
Am I in shape enough to have sex
That’s what I asked next
Blushing nurses pretend they didn’t hear me

I keep my distance from my cell phone
Magnets are verboten
And stay away far from the microwave
Anything that might make my heart race
Has to be kept at bay at arms length
At least until I know my heart is going to take it
If things go wrong and I get off pace
Just grimace through the dizzy with a straight face
And call the doctor in the morning

Doctors tell you without treatment that you’ll be dead
Oversell the point until you see red
I’m too young to have to plan for a funeral
Without this they say
That I soon could
So many times they tried pointing that out to me
I’m pretty sure I quit listening at seven

It’s been one year since the surgery
Cut a hole in my chest
And stuck in a battery
Good news in recovery
I’ll be fine, even in spite of me
Three leads revitalize my heart
If it ever fails, I’ve got a jump stasrt
Flirting with immortality
Now when I travel they have to wand me

Now when I travel they have to wand me
Now when I travel they have to wand me
Bananas and rum tastes great when they’re flambéed
one week


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